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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26203309">a winter too cold, a spring too lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbugi/pseuds/Rainbugi'>Rainbugi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>50 fics challenge [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>VICTON (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, POV Alternating, seungsik writes songs, seungwoo is an idiot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:40:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,299</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26203309</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbugi/pseuds/Rainbugi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungsik is heartbroken after Seungwoo leaves, so he writes a song. 5 years later he's famous and Seungwoo hears the songs written about him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Seungwoo/Kang Seungsik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>50 fics challenge [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a winter too cold, a spring too lonely</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>my first attempt at angst! aaaaaa &gt;&lt; i used seungsiks real songs, sorry if the translations are off i used google for some. the translation for winter without you is from cindy tai on youtube.<br/>this is 2/50 for the 50 fics challenge started by twt user @hugsubin! the word is song :3 i hope you enjoy reading, i certainly enjoyed writing it hehe &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seungwoo is leaving. He's leaving and Seungsik doesn't know when he'll come back. He doesn't know <em> if </em> he'll come back. He's going off to work abroad and there's nothing Seungsik can do. He can't tell him not to go, because he's <em> Seungwoo </em> and he would actually listen, and then Seungsik would have to live with being the one to crush his dreams.</p>
<p>He can't tell him how he feels, not now. He should've done that years ago, if he wanted it to be fair in any way. Telling him now would make him feel guilty and then what? Seungsik would still be equally sad and Seungwoo would be worse off. It's better if he suffers alone.</p>
<p>And so he lays in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep and unable to cry. Unable to sleep because his first love, his childhood crush, is leaving and unable to cry because he has already cried all the tears he can bear to cry, and it doesn't help. It doesn't make the pain go away and it doesn't make Seungwoo stay.</p>
<p>The next day, he sees him off, because of course he does, he's his best friend and friends see each other off. He manages to hold his tears back better than Seungwoo, but in the end they both bawl the same.</p>
<p>"We'll text and call a lot okay?" Seungwoo says through his tears.</p>
<p>"Of course," Seungsik promises instantly, because how could he refuse him anything? Even if it will kill him slowly and painfully to only be able to facetime the other when their schedules and timezones allow.</p>
<p>Seungwoo manages to smile, so Seungsik tries as well. He fails, but he doesn't think the other noticed, because his smile doesn't falter.</p>
<p>"Take good care of yourself Sikkie." He says as he pats his head and Seungsik feels a pang of pain and regret. He almost ruins it all and kisses him right then and there, but the last bit of sanity he has left stops him.</p>
<p>"You too, Seungwoo." His voice sounds thick and forced, and he can't let the nickname that was about to slip from his tongue fall, because it simply hurts too much.</p>
<p>They hug, and Seungsik wishes fervently that this moment can last forever, but it can't. Seungwoo pulls himself away and looks at him so tenderly Seungsik feels like he's going to break. And he is, but he can't yet, not with him still there. And so he tries to smile again, and this time it kind of works.</p>
<p>Just like that, Seungwoo leaves. He turns around and walks through the gates and turns to wave one more time and then he's gone. Seungsik feels his knees buckle, but he's in public, so he still can't break. He forces himself to walk back to the car that he drove Seungwoo to the airport with and sits down behind the steering wheel.</p>
<p>It's surprisingly easy to turn his brain on autopilot and just drive home, he finds. As long as he doesn't allow any thoughts, besides "should turn left here" and "watch out for that kid he's about to cross", into his mind, he's okay. He gets home safely and hauls himself out of the car and into the house, securely locking the door behind him.</p>
<p>He's going through the motions and he doesn't know how long he can keep it up before he inevitably falls apart, but for now he's okay. He makes himself dinner and sits down to watch some tv, eating without actually tasting and watching without paying attention. He feels his phone buzz and checks it and that's when the pain starts to take form again.</p>
<p>It's a message from Seungwoo, he's boarded and he's about to turn his phone off. He types out a "safe travels! &lt;3", so that everything seems normal, while the tears start running down his cheeks again. The endless tears that leave him feeling so much worse once they finally stop and the emptiness settles in again.</p>
<p>He knows he's being irrational. They'll still talk, they'll stay friends and maybe someday Seungwoo will come back. But it won't be the same. He'll miss the nights they stayed up together watching movies, the days spent playing games and sitting so close they touch when one of them moved too suddenly, and the days spent being so loud and silly their throats hurt and they lose their voices. He'll miss it all so much.</p>
<p>He shivers, feeling cold to the bone, and gets up to turn the heating up. Perhaps if he wrote down some of what he feels, he'll feel a bit more like himself again. He grabs a notebook and a pen on his way back to the couch, and starts writing. The first attempt is awful, it makes no sense and sounds all wrong, but he's too tired to try and fix it, so he leaves it for the next day.</p>
<p>Over the next weeks he writes and writes, hardly ever leaving his house. He tells his family he's busy when they wonder how he's doing and politely declines their offers to meet up. Instead, he hunched over his desk with piles of paper strewn across it and the floor.</p>
<p>He's written words, but also notes. Notes that he plays on the piano, to accompany the words in the story they tell. The story of a winter too cold, spent all alone. They speak of the way he never truly feels warm anymore, without his Seungwoo. Of how he waits and waits, and misses him more every day.</p>
<p>It brings him comfort to write, but every time he feels like he's puzzling himself together with the words on his paper he receives a message from Seungwoo, asking him how he is or telling him about his day, and it melts the glue holding the pieces together so they fall apart all over again and break into even smaller pieces. He can't go on like this.</p>
<p>It's too painful, the good morning texts when he's about to fall asleep, the goodnight texts he can't answer because he's at work, the attempts at facetiming that he has to cut short with an excuse, because he feels his pieces shatter and his defense crumble. He can't do it anymore and so his responses become shorter, his messages fewer and farther in between. Seungwoo asks if he's okay and he says he is, of course, he's just busy.</p>
<p>Daily messages become weekly, weekly facetimes become monthly until they are no more and only occasionally there's a message from one of them that lights up the other's screen, a quick "How are you?" met with a short "I'm fine".</p>
<p>After three months of this, Seungsik has finished his first song. He gives it a name; "Winter without you" and creates a soundcloud and youtube channel to upload it to. He doesn't expect anything from it, but he wants to share his pain with the world. It lessens his grief, and perhaps there is someone out there who will take comfort in knowing their pain isn't the only one of its kind.</p>
<p>He's managing to smile again, with effort, and he can finally meet with his family without getting a thousand questions on his well-being. They don't suspect he's falling apart anymore, perhaps because he isn't. The pieces are carefully put together, all wrong and twisted with gaps missing because they were too broken to fit, but they're put together nonetheless and so he smiles and laughs, even if his eyes still seem sad.</p>
<p>His song gets a few listens and some positive comments, which he treasures, and he feels a bit lighter. The days move by without him truly realizing, time blurring into one but he doesn't mind. It passes faster this way. The pain lessens, as time heals him and he finds it more and more easy to laugh and pretend he's fully fine.</p>
<p>That is, until one afternoon he finds himself walking past a bench that seems a little too familiar for comfort. As if he's in a trance, he walks up to it and sits down, laying his hands next to him gently. They softly run across the wood and he remembers all the times he and Seungwoo would sit here, cups of coffee in their hands in the early morning, their bags slung under their feet as they waited for the bust to show in the distance, so they could start running for the bus stop.</p>
<p>It was exhilarating to run every morning, just about making it to the stop as the bus rolled up. The bus driver knew them and would stop regardless, but the rush of it together with the coffee was a nice wake up call before school. The bus stop itself has a bench as well, Seungsik can see it from where he's sitting, but it's steel and not nearly as comfortable as their little wooden bench. Maybe that was thanks to the company he shared it with…</p>
<p>His hands curl into fists as the tears threaten to take over his eyes again. <em> No, I'm over it. I'm fine. </em> He tells himself stubbornly, but he feels himself crack, slowly but surely new fissures appear over the wounds that were finally healing. He frantically digs into his bag for his notebook and his pen, doing the only thing he can think of to keep himself sane: he writes.</p>
<p>He writes about a place, a place full of spring days, where he waits, alone and broken hearted. The words come easily while he sits there and remembers the way his hands used to ache to hold the other’s. He recalls the way Seungwoo would reach into his bag on some mornings and take out snacks to share and the bright smile that would take over his face as he handed Seungsik his half. A tear breaks free and rolls down his cheek onto the notebook, but he doesn’t stop writing.</p>
<p>At some point the sky darkens, but then he gets out his phone and puts it between his teeth with the flashlight on. He doesn’t care how ridiculous he might look. He has to write before the cracks become too deep. Eventually, the words stop making sense, the sentence structures disappear and he feels his hands stiffen in the cold. It’s spring, but the nights are still chilly, almost freezing and he’s been sitting there for several hours now.</p>
<p>Shocked, he notices that it’s already past 2 in the morning. He has several missed calls and messages asking where he is and to please be safe waiting for him, but his fingers are so stiff he can’t even let go of the pen, let alone write a text. He tries to get up, but he can barely move his legs and he definitely cannot walk all the way back home. He’ll have to call an uber, or one of his family members, but he doesn’t want to wake anyone so he painstakingly manages to open the uber app.</p>
<p>A short conversation and 15 minutes later, he’s seated in the back seat of a small car, shivering from head to toes as the heaters do their work and melt his core. The pen, still firmly stuck between his fingers, clatters against his legs, on top of which his notebook is wobbling dangerously from side to side. All he can do to keep it from slipping off is hunching over to press it down with his belly, and so he does. He wraps his arms around his knees as he buckles forward.</p>
<p>“You alright?” The driver asks. “Need a bag?”</p>
<p>“I- I’m ffffine.” He stutters, unable to keep the shiver out of his voice. He sees the driver throw him a sceptical look, but he doesn’t ask on and Seungsik is grateful for that. He’s managed to keep himself together, but he feels awful now. Exhaustion takes over as his aching body finally calms down enough for him to sit back up. He tries to look out the window, but all the bright city lights send a piercing pain through his head, so he closes his eyes instead and waits for the car to stop.</p>
<p>Once it does he mutters a hurried thanks before hopping out and quickly making his way inside. He quickly types a few messages to his family and friends that were worried for him before simply laying down on the couch and draping a blanket over himself. He can’t be bothered to shower or change or even get to his bedroom. His heart aches, but he’s still in one piece, which is all that matters, he thinks as his eyes close and he drifts off into a restless sleep with dreams filled with cherry blossoms and warm touches of soft hands that let go too soon and leave a bitter aftertaste.</p>
<p>The next morning he takes a look at his notebook and what he’s written. There are far too many words, and the last half doesn’t make a lick of sense, but there’s enough to work with, so that’s what he does. He spends another few weeks hunched over his desk, writing and correcting and scrapping until he’s finally happy with the result.</p>
<p>It's been a few years since his last song and he doesn't think anyone is actually waiting for him to release another, but he uploads it anyway. It feels good, to put something out there and he feels like he managed to keep himself together this time, albeit a little bit shakily. Over the days he gets a few comments and likes again, slightly more than last time, and he finds himself pleased again.</p>
<p>He goes on about his days, when suddenly his notifications blow up. He rushes to his computer, since his phone is frozen now, and sees that his youtube upload has gotten an insane amount of views and likes. He feels a bit overwhelmed by all the lovely attention as he reads through it all, responding where he deems fit. Apparently people really like his song.</p>
<p>As he digs through his emails he finds one that makes his heart soar right through his chest. It's from a small label company that wants to have a chat with him, to see if they can work together with him in the future. He types a quick, but formal reply and sends it out, feeling giddy all over. If it goes well, he might get signed as an actual artist. This is beyond his wildest imagination.</p>
<p>He wonders how he got here, so he scrolls through more comments until he stumbles on one that reads "Like if you came here because of Huh Gak". His jaw drops as he searches for his favourite artist's name amongst the comments. "came here bc huh gak told me to, not disappointed" "Huh Gak has taste!" all of them are similar to each other. He quickly looks up recent clips of the artist in question and comes across a q&amp;a video in which he gives some song recommendations.</p>
<p>He freezes when he hears the man softly utter his name and recommend his song as one of the recent releases he's listened to. It's a thrill to have the person he looked up to for so long say his name. But how did he even find his song? Did he just happen upon it? He's so confused but too happy to really care much. He closes his laptop and rushes to grab his phone and tell his family the good news.</p>
<p>A few days later he's scheduled for a meeting with the company that wants to sign him. He nervously fiddles with his thumbs as he waits to be let into the office. A man with semi-long hair and piercings adorning his face walks up to him.</p>
<p>"Kang Seungsik?" He asks with a bright smile.</p>
<p>"That's me." Seungsik says and he gets up, holding out his hand.</p>
<p>"I'm Hanse," the man answers as he shakes his hand firmly. "Nice to meet you. Follow me please." And he leads him through the hall to an office with his name on the door.</p>
<p>He gestures for Seungsik to take a seat at a low table with comfortable looking couches. What a strange office. There's a desk as well, but it's left completely ignored. They sit down opposite each other. "Thank you for this opportunity, sir." He says politely.</p>
<p>"Please, call me Hanse. It's my pleasure, Seungsik. Can I call you that?" His smile is warm and inviting and Seungsik feels himself relax.</p>
<p>"Yes of course, Hanse." He smiles timidly.</p>
<p>"Great, let's get started then, shall we?" Seungsik nods.</p>
<p>They quickly hammer out all the details of his contract and before he knows it they're comfortably talking like old friends about things that have nothing to do with music anymore, a copy of the signed contract securely tucked away in his bag. Apparently Hanse will be managing him, and he seems very capable, so Seungsik isn't worried.</p>
<p>He's there for about an hour, when Hanse politely tells him he has another meeting, so it'd be best if he'd leave. He heads back home, the thrill of nerves still buzzing through him. They'll start recording soon, to put out official, studio versions of his songs over the next months and hopefully attract enough of an audience to warrant actual albums.</p>
<p>The days pass in a blur and before long he's listening to his own voice as he and the company's producer, who is also his manager Hanse, discuss the vibe of the songs and what he can improve on. He gets to do more takes, and it's a wonderful experience, to be there in the soundproof studio, singing into a professional mic instead of his cheap eBay purchase. He puts everything he has into the songs, and they come out great, if he's to believe Hanse.</p>
<p>It's exciting, and he relishes the feeling. It's something he hasn't felt in a long while. He'll be okay, he thinks to himself happily, while his own voice softly rings from his phone's Melon app. It's his official release of Winter Without You and, even though it brings back painful memories that he doesn't really want to think about, it fills him with joy.</p>
<p>A couple months later he's booked his first performance, his song having taken off well enough to fill a small stadium. He performs his song for the first time, feeling more nervous than ever, but as he starts playing the nerves flow out with the music and he drowns in the melody. He forgets where he is and instead finds himself back where it all started, the airport with Seungwoo standing there in front of him.</p>
<p>He sings his heart out and it's not until the thunderous applause and cheers sound after the last note rings out that he snaps back into reality. He expects it to hurt, for all the old wounds to tear back open but it doesn't, instead he feels liberated. He thanks the people for coming and plays a few covers of songs he holds dear and then the concert is over and he goes back home, exhausted but satisfied.</p>
<p>He spends the next months writing again, this time about love that isn't lost yet. About seasons that pass without an end to the pain and sorrow. He tentatively shows Hanse one night, as they're recording for his second single. Hanse listens to him hum the song with the half finished lyrics he got stuck on, written haphazardly on some sheets of paper.</p>
<p>He gives him some pointers and suggestions, one of them being that maybe this time they could do more than just piano in the background. Maybe they could even make an album out of it, if he were to write more. He nods along and gives his own commentary, but when he mentions it being an album he freezes. He hadn't thought of releasing an actual album.</p>
<p>"It could just be a mini album, you know, a few songs at once?" Hanse offers. "I think it would be a good idea, to really put you out there. I'll help you write, of course."</p>
<p>"Okay," Seungsik nods determinedly and Hanse smiles brightly at him. "We can do that."</p>
<p>It takes long to write the songs and produce it all. It takes a whole year, in fact, with him giving concerts and uploading covers in between. Sometimes he thinks he won't be able to do it at all, but then Hanse stops by with a cup of coffee and heartfelt words of encouragement. They even end up spending nights at the studio, trying to get it all right, and then finally it's scheduled for release.</p>
<p>"Lost" becomes the title they settle on, because that's how he still feels, even with all the exciting things happening and his career taking off. He never quite feels okay. They choose the song he had been working on as the title track "Still loving you". He's happy with how they all turned out, and now all he has to do is wait until it comes out.</p>
<p>When it does, it's met with a response he never dared dream of. It skyrockets his popularity and even ends up in the charts abroad. Hanse calls him up excitedly to tell him he's going on tour with it. It's not his first tour, so at first he doesn't know what Hanse sounds so overjoyed for, but then he tells him it's a world tour and he nearly jumps through the roof in excitement.</p>
<p>First he’ll perform in Korea, <em> in the Olympic Hall </em>Hanse tells him excitedly. Then he'll perform all over Europe's little countries, and finally they'll move on to America. He looks over all the city names and already feels tired at the prospect, but he knows it'll be worth it, the excitement of a stage far overpowering the exhaustion that will follow after. Then he gets to the last city name of the entire tour, New York. His hands curl into fists and he trembles as he reads it over and over again.</p>
<p>New York, the city that houses the man all his songs are about, Seungwoo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungwoo stares at his screen dumbfounded. The face staring back at him from his youtube recommended section is familiar, too familiar. He feels sharp stabs of pain in his chest, but morbid curiosity causes him to click on the thumbnail anyway and the video opens with loud applause as a light illuminates Seungsik behind a piano. He swallows thickly and pauses the video.</p>
<p>Seungsik, his Seungsik, still looks the same here. The gentle but darkish grey hair is different from his usual black, and the look in his eyes is strange, but it's still his Seungsikkie. He checks the date of the video. 2 years ago. That was 3 years after he left. The title reads "Kang Seungsik, Winter Without You". He clicks play again, his curiosity still far too overpowering, even though he knows it will bring nothing but pain to see the other perform.</p>
<p>Seungsik starts playing a soft tune and the cheers abruptly end. It's a mesmerizing tune and Seungwoo feels himself immediately dragged into a sorrowful tale. There's a short pause and the Seungsik opens his mouth, taking a deep breath before resuming his tune and… He's singing. His voice rings out with sorrow and it's the most angelic thing Seungwoo has ever heard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Do you know? How is it there? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It's snowing here all day </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Looking at the falling cold white snow </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Thoughts of you just came</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looks out the window, where soft snowflakes have been falling for the past three days, covering the world in a thick, white blanket. How is it there? He wonders the same. He wonders who Seungsik was thinking about when he wrote this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The time without you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Still feels very long </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The empty spot without you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Is covered by endless snow </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looks back at the screen, at Seungsik so lost in his emotions that his eyes have closed even when he still plays the tunes that guide his sorrowful melody. <em> It has been long, huh, Sikkie? </em> He finds himself thinking, even if there's no way the song was meant for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Without you, my winter is cold </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Without you, my two hands are cold, it hurts </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> When the cold wind blows, I miss you more </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I'm waiting for you again today </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The chorus sends shivers through him, the emotion in Seungsik's voice so real he can feel it. He can feel the cold the other must have felt and is met with an overwhelming urge to wrap himself around him, like a warm and snug Seungwoo-shaped blanket. He shakes his head, ridding himself of the thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I am still at that same place, calling for you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Your passing voice </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You who filled my heart </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I draw on the white snow </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can picture it perfectly, Seungsik wandering around in a snowy landscape, calling for someone, someone that left him, someone that he misses dearly. Someone he loved. He feels a sting of something that has nothing to do with the sadness he feels. He frowns. Who is this song about?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Without you, my winter is cold </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Without you, my two hands are cold, it hurts </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> When the cold wind blows, I miss you more </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I'm waiting for you again today </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Each day that has passed by </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I could smile because you were with me </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I really miss the last spring </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Will the day I hold your hands come again? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I really miss those days </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungsik plays the final tunes to the song as Seungwoo wipes away the tear that rolls down his cheek, his eyes wide. It's a song about a love that left, and he hates to admit it but he feels like it's about him. It's selfish, wishful thinking, to think that he could've meant so much to Seungsik. His little Seungsikkie, who let him go without any protest. Who cried when he said his goodbyes, but then stopped picking up when he called.</p>
<p>His frown deepens. He never realized how hurt he was and still is by that. He has been completely focused on his work. Of course he missed Seungsik, he still does, but he never realized how much. And now he finds himself wishing the pain the other sings about is because of him, in a twisted, too late realization of his love for the younger man.</p>
<p>He looks back up as the applause dies down and a voice that pierces straight through his fragile heart softly starts to speak. Seungsik is standing now, holding his microphone. He's dressed in all black and he looks absolutely stunning. Seungwoo is unable to hold in a small gasp.</p>
<p>"Hello, I am Kang Seungsik and this was my song 'Winter without you'. It's a song I wrote about lost love and longing for the warmth of that person." More applause sounds out and he smiles, but it's small and timid and it doesn't reach his eyes at all. "Thank you, really. Thank you all for coming here and supporting me. I hope to see you again soon!"</p>
<p>His smile widens a bit and his teeth start showing, but it's still not the smile Seungwoo remembers and he wonders just how much pain the other is in. Seungsik walks off stage under more applause and the video ends. The autoplay pops up with a different video of Seungsik, his hair now a soft pink. He lets the timer run out, unable to get himself to stop it.</p>
<p>It's a different song. The title says "Kang Seungsik, The Place live at Olympic Hall". Olympic hall… if Seungwoo remembers correctly, that's a big stadium, much bigger than the previous video. He checks the date again. Two months ago, that's very recent. He wonders how many songs he has written by now.</p>
<p>Seungsik is sitting behind a white, winged piano this time, his pink hair hanging slightly on his forehead as he scowls down at the piano in concentration. A soft, white lace band sits at the base of his neck, above a white blouse with a pattern of small, white leaves. He looks absolutely ethereal.</p>
<p>He starts to play, an intro just as sad and beautiful as the last one, but slightly longer. The song is faster, but just as heart wrenching. He watches as Seungsik drowns in his performance, the emotions on his face so very real compared to the fake smile he had worn at the end of the previous video.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The place where I sit with you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The place I'm waiting for </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> When I look at you, the world </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It's full of spring days </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The place where I sit with you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The place I'm waiting for </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The time I faced you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I won't forget </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The song takes him back, memories of mornings spent with Seungsik waiting for their bus to arrive. That wooden bench, with its curved metal arm rests, where they would share the snacks he brought and drink cups of disgusting vending machine coffee. The park behind it was always alive with birds in the spring, and the cherry blossoms would bloom and drop their petals, a beautiful backdrop that paled compared to the man that would be sitting next to him, laughing brightly at his terrible jokes.</p>
<p>How did he never notice the way his heart would stop when Seungsik smiled so wide his eyes turned into little crescents and his melodic laugh would sound out in the crisp, early morning air? How did he never realize that the desire to hold him wasn’t one born from the deep friendship they shared, but rather a longing for more? His chest tightens as he remembers a morning in which he did hold his hand, when Seungsik had tripped while running for the bus and he had reached out and pulled him close before he could fully fall. </p>
<p>He remembers how soft and warm his hand was and how quickly he had pulled away from him, leaving him hurt and confused. How did he not realize, even then, that he was in love? He feels his heart tear into two as he realizes the big mistake he made, one that he can never take back. He left his happiness behind, thinking that what he was longing for was something career related, when really all along it had been the man with a smile that was too kind and the voice of an angel that would’ve made him happy.</p>
<p>The next video suddenly starts playing, shaking him out of his reverie. It’s from that same concert and Seungsik is still in his white clothes with his pink hair . This time it's a song called "I'm still loving you". He barely manages to read it through the tears that he hadn’t noticed started streaming down his cheeks, but that's what it says and his heart stops. Still loving you? He opts to search for the song instead of watching it, because he's curious when it came out, but also because there's no way he can watch another live clip, another video of Sikkie looking so heartbroken, another stab at his heart when he realizes there's no way this is about him.</p>
<p>So he searches, and Seungsik's channel pops up. Before he knows it, he's clicked subscribe and starts scrolling through his videos. There's his songs and countless live clips, covers, but also vlogs with titles like "Good Morning!" and "Sleepy Sik &gt;&lt;". The thumbnails kill him, because he's wearing that smile again, one that he has probably convinced the world around him he's doing well with, but Seungwoo knows him better, he knows he isn't.</p>
<p>He quickly clicks the video that has the song he just saw, instead of going down <em> that </em> rabbit hole and destroying whatever sanity he still has left. Immediately soft piano music sounds, this time accompanied by other instruments as well, and he can't bear to pause it or click it away, so instead he scrolls to look for the date, trying to ignore the soft voice that rings out. It's recent, his latest release, uploaded 4 months ago.</p>
<p>He swallows thickly as Seungsik sings of seasons passing without being able to forget or move on, the pain remaining as the memories resurface. It feels like he's made of glass and every word Seungsik sings is a hammer that comes down on him, but he's already in pieces too small for the hammer to do much more damage.</p>
<p>He opens a new tab and searches his name as the song goes on and he's met with captions that speak of an upcoming world tour. Is he that famous? He scrolls through the list of cities, not knowing that this is what he was hoping to find until he stumbles upon it. New York, a month from now. The ticket sales have already gone live and Seungwoo clicks through until suddenly he's slightly poorer, but in the possession of a ticket to sit at Seungsik's performance.</p>
<p>He blinks, confused and stares at the email with the e-ticket he has received. He doesn't even know if he's free that day. He shakes himself. Why did he do that? Oh god, he shouldn't go! Of course Seungsik doesn't want to see him after all this time! But will he even see him? He'll be hidden in the audience most likely. He looks at the tickets he's bought. Meet and greet. <em>What the fuck Seungwoo.</em></p>
<p>"Get front row seats, early access and a meet and greet with Kang Seungsik after the performance!"</p>
<p><em>Great. Really great Seungwoo.</em> He doesn't have it in him to cancel, he really doesn't, so he saves the email and rubs his eyes that are raw from all the crying. The song ends and he simply clicks away the entire browser before he can dig his grave any deeper. He sighs and gets up to flop down on his bed right next to him in his bedroom that suddenly feels too quiet and cramped.</p>
<p>This was the last thing he had expected to happen when he opened his pc to just relax with some videos. He already knew he misses the other man very dearly, but up until now he had no idea how deep his feelings ran, and now it feels like he's been run over by a bus.</p>
<p>The songs are all about love that has been lost, about wanting to move on, but not being able to. It could only mean a few things. Either Seungsik had had a lover Seungwoo had known nothing of, that left him, or Seungsik found a lover after he left and that lover left him. Or, perhaps, and he hates that he hopes fervently that this one is true, the songs are about him.</p>
<p>No, they can't be. Seungsik had no trouble saying goodbye, he had started to completely ignore him mere months after he left. He can't be the one that broke him, the one that left him in seasons that were too cold. He doesn't want to be the one to have hurt him that much, but he wants to be the one he loved that much.</p>
<p>Why does he have to find that out now? Now that it's too late, now that he's here and not there with him. He picks up his phone and checks the last messages they sent each other.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey. How are you? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I'm fine, life's busy, how are you? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Same here. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They are all from nearly a year ago. Neither of them has sent anything since. There's still an unsent "I miss you." sitting in the text box and Seungwoo's finger hovers dangerously close to the send button, but he quickly closes the app and puts his phone down, before he can make any more stupid decisions.</p>
<p>So he's in love, that's what that feeling that has been gnawing at him ever since he came here is. He rests his head back against the pillow and thinks back on all the moments he's shared with Seungsik. In hindsight it seems obvious, how excited he always got whenever the other was coming over, how happy he was whenever Seungsik smiled at him, the way his heart would speed up whenever they even slightly touched, there's no other explanation.</p>
<p>He groans and hides his face with his hands. Did it really have to take 5 years for him to figure that out? Longer even, because hadn't it always been like that with Seungsik? Ever since they were highschoolers his stomach would do weird things around him and sometimes he would find himself unable to eat, worrying the other. Those had been butterflies, obviously. He wants to smack himself for being so stupid.</p>
<p>He rolls over and presses his face into his pillow to muffle the agonized screech that he lets out before bursting into tears. He hasn't cried in a long, long time. He hasn't really felt any sort of emotion in a while. He thought he was happy this entire time, but now that he feels the raw pain tear through him he realizes he was simply numb. He shakes as he lets it all out and eventually falls into a light sleep full of dreams spent chasing Seungsik's angelic voice as he sings just about out of sight.</p>
<p>He spends the next month contemplating cancelling the tickets, but every time he clicks the link, he finds himself closing the page that asks him for his ticket number and contact information. He can't do it. He's committing and he's not sure if he's happy about it, but he has to see Seungsik, even if it's one last time. To confirm his feelings and get his heart snapped in half once and for all.</p>
<p>He tries to contact him, to tell him he's coming, so at least the other has a warning and can tell him not to if he hates him, but the number he has saved as <em> Sikkie &lt;3 </em> is no longer in use. He frowns at the automated message on his screen. He changed his number? Without telling him? He must really hate him… Yet still he cannot get himself to cancel his tickets.</p>
<p>On the day of the concert he feels sick to his stomach with nerves and he considers not going, but then he finds himself already on the metro and he supposes he has no choice. He can always still sneak away before the meet and greet. He stands in the line for the VIP tickets and gets let in without any problems. He finds his seat and sits down, but it's still too long till the concert actually starts so he decides to walk around a bit.</p>
<p>He ends up buying a drink and some snacks, and sits back down with about 20 minutes left. He looks at the little hand outs he got from random people standing around. Little cards with pictures of Seungsik, a poster and one of them stuck a blue sticker on his phone's flashlight so it would give a blue glow. He got detailed descriptions of when to turn his flashlight on, that he has already forgotten again, but luckily he's not sitting fully at the front, so he can probably just follow the example of the people around him.</p>
<p>All the seats at the front are taken, and when he looks back he sees that most of the other seats in the stadium are taken too, which is surprising. He must really be popular. How had Seungwoo even managed to score a ticket? He has no idea. A couple seated next to him is whispering enthusiastically to each other and Seungwoo half listens along while he zones out for the remainder of the time.</p>
<p>Suddenly the lights go out and Seungwoo sits up, nervously fiddling with his photocards that he still hasn't put away. The room goes eerily quiet as everyone waits in anticipation for the angel they're here to see singing. It takes long, at least Seungwoo thinks it does, but finally a light turns on again and Seungsik is already sitting at a beautiful, black, winged piano that must've been pushed on stage while they waited.</p>
<p>There's some short, thunderous applause before it goes even more quiet than before. Even the couple next to him have stopped talking. He watches as Seungsik carefully places his hands on the keys, fully focused on what he's about to start playing and already Seungwoo can feel his chest tighten as breathing becomes harder. The first notes to Winter Without You ring out and he has half a mind to sing along, he's heard the song often enough by now, but the lump in his throat is impossible to swallow and all he can do is try not to let the tears spill over.</p>
<p>Several people around him do sing or hum along, but he tunes them out in favour of Seungsik's voice. At some point he closes his eyes, completely letting the music take over. When he opens them again as the audience around him bursts into cheers he can feel damp spots on his cheeks. Seungsik gets up and addresses them, half in English and half in Korean with a translator, who doesn't give the words nearly as much feeling and gets them all wrong.</p>
<p>He plays more songs, some that Seungwoo has never heard, and a few that he knows too well from playing them over and over as he tried to fall asleep. All of them are equally beautiful in his voice. Too soon, but not soon enough, it's time for Seungsik to say his goodbyes. He leaves under more cheers and Seungwoo feels sad, until he remembers what comes next and his heart rate spikes with his nerves.</p>
<p>He's about to see him. Will he remember? Will he want to? His feet carry him along according to the instructions he's gotten, even when his mind screams for him to turn around and run. Just one meeting, one short minute. He can do this, but he can't. He's all the way in the back of the row and every time they move forward he feels the need to run and hide grow stronger.</p>
<p>But he stays, and finally it's his turn to walk through the doors that separate him from Seungsik.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungsik is tired. Dead tired. He's been here all day, preparing for his performance, then performing and now he's spent the past hour and a half entertaining fans. And it isn't like it's not fun, he loves his fans, that's why he does the meet and greets, but he's been performing every other night the past two weeks and all he wants to do is sleep and let his tired hands rest.</p>
<p>Luckily, it's about to come to an end. He doesn't know how many more autographs he can give and silly poses he can do for pictures before he snaps. The security urges the sweet lady that had just asked him a thousand questions that were far too personal out, and he let his face fall for a moment as the last person walked in.</p>
<p>He quickly pastes a smile that feels too weak on his face and turns to greet his last guest. He's so tired his eyes refuse to focus as he takes their hand and asks for their name. Seungwoo. He frowns momentarily, but quickly smiles again hoping his fan didn't notice. It isn't that Seungwoo is such a rare name, but he hardly ever has male fans, so why does it have to be a Seungwoo of all names?</p>
<p>He forces his eyes to refocus as he asks him if he enjoyed the concert, and his knees buckle as his smile fades. Seungwoo. It isn't a coincidence, the actual Seungwoo is standing in front of him. That or he's hallucinating because of the lack of sleep. But even after he pinches himself and rubs his eyes Seungwoo is still there, looking nervous and apologetic.</p>
<p><em> Why? </em> He wants to ask, but he can't get his mouth to open. He can't move at all. He's frozen in place as they simply stare at each other for a while. Then, right when Seungwoo opens his mouth to mumble something that sounds suspiciously like an apology, the security guard announces that the time is up and steps forward to guide Seungwoo out. He doesn't know why, maybe just because he wants an explanation, but he grabs Seungwoo's arm a little bit too roughly and drags him away to his dressing room, leaving a few confused security guards in their trail.</p>
<p>Once inside he lets go, walks a few steps and spins around to face him. He's angry, very angry. Seungwoo dared to invade his space, the concert he had been looking forward to for months, looking just like he used to and making Seungsik's heart race all over again. He scowls and puts his hands on his hip, but then he notices the other's hurt expression, and he realizes he hasn't actually done anything wrong.</p>
<p>He wouldn't have known it was wrong to come, he probably just thought he'd go support an old friend and catch up a bit. He isn't here to ruin Seungsik's day with his pretty eyes, he isn't even the one responsible for their loss of contact. Seungsik flushes and rushes forward, reaching out to do who knows what. He certainly doesn't. So he stops and lets his arms drop to the floor.</p>
<p>"Oh god, sorry." His voice is hoarse and quiet, but it's audible, which is all he can ask for at this point.</p>
<p>"No, it's okay, I shouldn't have come." And Seungwoo sounds so devastated Seungsik's eyes fill with tears and he looks down, clearing his throat.</p>
<p>"It's nice of you to come." He whispers. "I just didn't expect it…" Of course he had thought about it, even found himself wishing that when he went to New York he would see Seungwoo again. But he had never dared actually hope, actually think that it would happen. And so he was completely unprepared.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, I wanted to give you a heads up, but you changed your number." Seungwoo says quietly, and Seungsik looks up to see him stare at the floor with tears on his cheeks. Oh god, he's made him cry.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm sorry. I never meant to…" To what? Of course he had meant to lose his contact. It was the only way he could ever move on fully. Clearly he hasn't yet. "I'm really sorry for not telling you. It was wrong of me."</p>
<p>Seungwoo looks up sadly. "I mean, it's not like we talked anymore. You probably just forgot."</p>
<p>Seungsik's eyes widen in shock. "Forget? You? I could never." He blurts it out before he realizes and breaks eye contact, a blush creeping in his neck.</p>
<p>"You didn't?" Seungwoo asks, and he sounds so hopeful it doubles the guilt he's feeling.</p>
<p>"No, of course not. It just became a bit much, to try to communicate around our schedules and timezones." There, that's a safe answer. He mentally pats his sleep deprived brain.</p>
<p>"Ah so that's what it was." He mumbles dejectedly. "I get it, it is a lot. Well, it was nice seeing you again, but I should go. You look and sound like you're about to keel over." He turns and reaches for the door knob and Seungsik panics. He can't leave like this, not now. He can't handle it.</p>
<p>"Wait!" His voice cracks as he forces the words out. "Don't go."</p>
<p>"Why not?" Seungwoo asks, a sarcastic edge to his tone. "If you're worried about me, I'll get over it. I won't bother you anymore." The words slice through Seungsik and he feels himself crumble.</p>
<p>"Please," he whispers, "don't leave again." He feels the tears stream across his cheeks as he desperately fights for air. Every defence he's built up around himself crumbles, and then he feels the old tears rip open again as he falls apart. He feels a pair of arms wrap around him and he's pulled into a warm embrace that still smells familiar, even after all this time.</p>
<p>A hand gently strokes his hair as soft words of comfort sound in his ear. "Shh, I'm here, I'm still here Sikkie. It's okay, it's all okay." And he nearly believes them.</p>
<p>He takes a few deep breaths and forces the last tears from his eyes before dabbing at them with his sleeve. He looks up into soft brown eyes that look far too worried for his own sanity. He's still here, but it's not alright, because he'll leave again. This time they both will, and Seungsik will have to puzzle himself together again, but for now he doesn't care. He lets himself be held, no matter how much it'll hurt later.</p>
<p>His own arms wrap securely around Seungwoo's waist and he nuzzles into his neck, finally calming down. He feels absolutely drained now, from everything, and he can't hold himself up very well. Seungwoo seems to have no problem supporting him, though, so he leans into him a bit more.</p>
<p>His hands grab his shirt and ball into fists as Seungwoo gently asks "Are you okay?".</p>
<p>"No. I'm sorry." His voice is no more than the softest of whispers, but he's close enough that he still hears him. "I'm pathetic, I'm sorry. I just missed you so much." He babbles, unable to stop himself. He's too tired to care.</p>
<p>"You're not pathetic." He feels Seungwoo smile against his head and he frowns, puzzled. "I missed you too." Oh. That's why he's smiling. Seungsik feels his own lips twitch up as well and for once it isn't forced.</p>
<p>"Thank you." He says sincerely. He feels Seungwoo pull back to look at him so he does the same.</p>
<p>Seungwoo looks very confused. "For what?" He asks.</p>
<p>"For staying," Seungsik blushes and looks at the floor. "I'm sorry I'm usually more put together, but these past weeks have been tough."</p>
<p>"I can imagine. You should get some rest." Seungwoo sounds reluctant to go, but maybe that's just wishful thinking on his part.</p>
<p>"I should. And you should get home…" He trails off and he feels his lips tremble again. Why can't he hold it together?</p>
<p>"Hey," Seungwoo gently lifts his head so he can look at him. "You okay?" Seungsik nods and finally manages to paste the smile he's perfected back on his face, but Seungwoo scowls. "That doesn't work on me, Sik. I know you." He sounds like he wants to say more, but he doesn't.</p>
<p>Seungsik's smile falters. "I know, but if I don't at least pretend I'm okay I'll fall apart again." He's too honest, again. It must be the exhaustion muddling his brain.</p>
<p>"Why?" His thumb softly brushes over his cheek as he searches his eyes for something.</p>
<p>"Because I cannot stand the thought of losing you again." It's out before he can stop himself and he groans. "Please forget that and go home, so I can paste myself together again and move on."</p>
<p>Seungwoo frowns. "You don't have to lose me.  We can still keep in touch, if that's not too much trouble."</p>
<p>Seungsik shakes his head, which earns him a hurt look from the other. The hand drops away from his face and he takes a small step back. "I'm sorry, but it's too painful." He doesn't want to explain further, but Seungwoo's frown deepens and he looks like a sad puppy.</p>
<p>"But why? I get why it would hurt me, but why would it hurt you?" He sounds like he's talking to himself more than him and now it's Seungsik's turn to be confused.</p>
<p>"Why would it hurt you? I thought you wanted to keep in touch." He asks softly. He tries to make sense of it all but his head feels like it's filled with sludge.</p>
<p>"Because," Seungwoo hesitates, unsure. "Because it wouldn't be enough anymore." He says, voice so quiet Seungsik barely catches it.</p>
<p>"What do you mean?" He asks incredulously as he subconsciously inches closer again. It can't be that he feels the same?</p>
<p>Seungwoo laughs awkwardly as his eyes shift to anywhere but Seungsik's face. "I mean, now that I've seen you again, I don't think I can bear not being able to see you whenever I want ever again."</p>
<p>Seungsik's breath stops and he swallows before softly taking the other's hand. "I… Same." He says, unable to really form full sentences anymore.</p>
<p>"Same?" Seungwoo sounds out of breath and Seungsik realizes he's been holding his breath as well. He exhales and inhales to get rid of his nerves.</p>
<p>"I feel the same way." He manages. "That's why it's better if we didn't…" He lets go of his hand and steps back to at least preserve his fragile heart a little bit.</p>
<p>"But I can't go on not talking to you." Seungwoo says resolutely and he grabs his wrists gently to hold him in place. "I thought I was fine, but when I heard your songs and saw you again, I realized I've never really been as happy as I used to be and I realized that was because I... I, I missed you." Seungwoo stutters the end and blushes.</p>
<p>Seungsik's mouth drops open and he can't seem to find words for the longest time. "But… What about your new job? Isn't it fulfilling? I thought you were happy. That's the only reason I broke contact." He finally manages.</p>
<p>"Well, it's not quite what I expected to be honest. I only said that because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I really thought this would be my dream come true, but I find very little joy in going to the office every day to just sit there doing paperwork. My previous job was more fun..." He says sadly.</p>
<p>"You're not happy…" Seungsik feels his stomach drop. Seungwoo isn't happy and he hasn't been there for him to make it better. What a great friend. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. There is no way I would've broken contact if I knew. I should've been there for you."</p>
<p>"But what about you? Aren't you happy?" Seungwoo deflects. "You made it big, I'm so proud of you." He adds warmly.</p>
<p>"I… It's nice I suppose. I mean, of course I love it, the fans are amazing and being on stage is the most wonderful experience! But I only got here because of how torn up I am. I wrote all these songs to keep myself together, more or less." He looks down at where Seungwoo is still holding his wrists.</p>
<p>"I know, I've seen the way you smile, Sikkie. You're not happy. I just hoped I was mistaken I suppose. Who did this to you?" He asks and he sounds so genuinely concerned, Seungsik feels himself tremble.</p>
<p>"Nobody." He avoids his eyes.</p>
<p>Seungwoo frowns. "But you just said…" He falls silent for a bit and Seungsik bites his lip. "It was me wasn't it." He says and Seungsik finds himself nodding before he can think.</p>
<p>"You couldn't have known, I never told you." He says quickly, his voice still weak.</p>
<p>"I didn't know, no, but I should've. I should've been able to tell." He says softly and he steps closer, pulling Seungsik towards him.</p>
<p>"I should've told you but I didn't want to stop you from following your dreams, so I was too late." He whispers and he's so close he can feel his breath. He looks up in his eyes and there's no blame there, only an emotion he can't quite describe. He reaches out hesitantly and softly cups his cheek. He isn't stopped, so he guesses that's okay.</p>
<p>"You should've stopped me, slapped some sense into me." Seungwoo smiles and his eyes flicker down and back up, so quickly Seungsik barely registers it. He idly licks his lips.</p>
<p>"Maybe." He says and he feels as though he's in some sort of weird dream where nothing makes sense. Here they stand, too close, eyes locked, and they're discussing whether or not Seungsik should've told him about his love for him like that was something completely normal. He has to stop himself, before he does something he can't take back and breaks himself even more, but he finds himself inching even closer, eyes flickering to the other's lips, where they stay, mesmerized.</p>
<p>"Sikkie, I'm sorry I left." Seungwoo whispers as he finally lets go of his wrists and moves his hands on either side of his waist. "I hurt both of us. I was a fool."</p>
<p>Seungsik is too tired to think of a response that isn't just "shut up" so he decides to spare his voice and shut him up the only other way he knows how. He closes the small distance between them and locks their lips together, not forcefully enough that it can't be broken very easily, in case he misread the situation, but forcefully enough to convey his feelings.</p>
<p>At first, he's the only one moving, and he worries he's made a mistake, that he has somehow still misinterpreted everything Seungwoo said, but then the hands at his waist pull him even closer, flush against him and he feels Seungwoo kissing him back like it's the first and last time. He supposes it is, but he doesn't want to think about that, so he tangles his fingers into his hair and sighs into the kiss, lifting a groan from Seungwoo's lips.</p>
<p>He feels like he's on top of the world, and it's even better than being on stage. The kiss is messy and they're in his dressing room, which isn't exactly the greatest place to be doing this since there's so much stuff around they keep bumping into things as they try to hold onto each other, but it's heaven, and Seungsik never wants to stop.</p>
<p>They lick into each other's mouths, exploring each other like they never have before and soon they find their hands roaming the skin underneath their clothes. It's desperate and hot, but neither of them mind, and they find each other in that small space in the back of the stadium.</p>
<p>"I'll come back. To Korea." Seungwoo pants when they finally break their kiss, desperate for air.</p>
<p>Seungsik frowns. "You can't just walk away from what you've built up here." He buries his head in the crook of his shoulder, suppressing a yawn. He's not ready to go home yet.</p>
<p>"I won't, not that I've built anything up here, but I bet that since I transferred here, there shouldn't be a problem transferring me back." He says, smiling proudly like an idiot. Seungsik pulls back to swat at him.</p>
<p>"Think about that thoroughly, don't ruin your life for me." He says seriously, but he's unable to stop the giddy smile from taking over his face.</p>
<p>"There's the old Sikkie smile I love so much!" Seungwoo squeals and Seungsik buries his head back in his neck, embarrassed.</p>
<p>"Shut up." He mumbles tiredly and his eyes close on their own in the warm and comfortable embrace.</p>
<p>"You need to get yourself dressed and home, sleepy baby." Seungwoo scolds him, but he shakes his head.</p>
<p>"M'not sleepy." He mumbles, ignoring the pet name for his own sanity.</p>
<p>"I don't want to leave yet either," Seungwoo says, suddenly sad again. "But we can't stay here forever."</p>
<p>As if on cue, a soft knock sounded at the door and a voice called out. "Mister Kang? Is everything alright?"</p>
<p>"Yes! I'll be right out!" His yell sounds more like whisper-screaming, but it gets the point across. He sighs and turns back to Seungwoo. "My plane leaves in two days, I have a day's rest in between. That's it." He pouts sullenly.</p>
<p>"Can we meet tomorrow?" Seungwoo asks too eagerly and Seungsik's mouth curls into a smile.</p>
<p>"We can, I have nothing planned. Here let me give you my new number." He holds out his hand for the other's phone and is given what he asks. He quickly types a message, excited at the prospect of getting to be with him at least another day, but then it dawns on him that for now, they have to part. He frowns, not looking forward to another night alone in a hotel.</p>
<p>He tells Seungwoo to take his phone back, but it looks like he's in deep thought. Seungsik waits patiently, phone held out for him. Finally, Seungwoo's head snaps up and he takes it. "Come with me." He blurts out.</p>
<p>"With you? Where?" Seungsik stammers.</p>
<p>"Home. Just for tonight." Seungwoo blushes and looks down. "It's a stupid idea I know, but I really don't want to leave you here. I can sleep on the couch, it's comfortable enough, and you don't have to sleep in a stinky hotel. You can borrow my clothes and then just get to your hotel whenever you want. If that's okay."</p>
<p>Seungsik's heart leaps into his throat and he throws his arms around Seungwoo. "I can do that." He presses a soft kiss on his cheek and then turns to find his normal clothes so he can get dressed.</p>
<p>"Should I give you some privacy?" Seungwoo asks shyly.</p>
<p>"You don't have to, I'll be done soon, but you can if you want." He says, wanting to keep the option open in case he would rather leave, but Seungwoo stays as he gets dressed and then walks him to the car, staying close enough to catch him if he sways, but far away enough to not attract any unwanted attention. It warms Seungsik's heart.</p>
<p>He shoots a quick text with an apology to Hanse and gets into Seungwoo's car, hoping his manager won't be too upset with him for ditching him. He gets a thumbs up as response and breathes a sigh of relief as they drive off towards wherever Seungwoo lives. It's comfortable to sit next to him, even after all this time and even when they don't talk. So comfortable, that next thing Seungsik knows they're already there and Seungwoo is gently shaking him awake.</p>
<p>He gets out groggily and looks up at the tall building Seungwoo apparently resides in. He stretches and yawns with a soft squeak. Seungwoo looks at him fondly, making him blush and he quickly urges him to lead him inside. They don't have to go up far, thank goodness because the elevators are out of order and Seungsik doesn't even quite register the stairs until he's already almost fallen face first onto them, but Seungwoo catches him in time and helps him up.</p>
<p>They walk into a dark but warm apartment and Seungsik vaguely notices an uncomfortable looking leather couch as he's being hauled to a different room with a soft bed that's big enough for two. He pulls off his clothes to his underwear, but then he realizes he has no pyjamas. Seungwoo is ahead of him, however, and throws him a pair of soft silk peachy coloured pjs that he happily tugs on.</p>
<p>Seungwoo looks like he's about to tuck him in and then leave to change, but Seungsik firmly stands his ground, meaning he pouts like a baby and refuses to move, and Seungwoo is forced to put his own purple pyjamas on as well.</p>
<p>"Happy, you big baby?" Seungwoo asks fondly, albeit slightly exasperated.</p>
<p>Seungsik shakes his head and beckons him closer, still pouting. Seungwoo complies, slightly wary, and steps closer. He quickly throws his arms around him, and lets himself fall back on the bed, pulling the other with him and wrapping his legs around him as well so there's no escape. He hears him giggle softly, and it's a sound so familiar he feels a surge of happiness as he wiggles them along the bed in a proper position with their head on the pillows.</p>
<p>Seungwoo holds him close, snuggling into his chest. He can feel soft giggles shake through him and he smiles against the soft fabric of his pyjamas. This is heaven, and Seungsik doesn't have to leave or feel ashamed of what he's doing. He feels a soft press of lips against his head and he has half a mind to turn up to ask for a real kiss, but then he drifts off, absolutely exhausted, into a deep sleep.</p>
<p>He opens his eyes to bright light shining through the curtains and soft snores against his ear. He smiles widely at the soft tickles of breath against his neck and snuggles impossibly closer, wrapping himself around the taller man next to him. It wasn't a dream, he thinks happily. When it becomes evident he's not going to fall back asleep and Seungwoo isn't about to wake up, he gets up carefully and quietly and walks over to the kitchen.</p>
<p>He knows approximately where everything should be, but it's still a bit of a search seeing as Seugwoo isn't the most organized person he's ever met. He carefully rummages through closets until he has what he needs: some eggs, rice and any side dishes he could find in the fridge. He keeps the potato pancakes with him, so he can warm them up when everything is almost done.</p>
<p>He prepares the rice and fries the eggs and then walks over to the bedroom again, tiptoeing in even though he's about to wake him. He bends over the big lump of blankets and softly taps where he assumes a shoulder is. "Swoo?" He softly calls out, and to his horror he discovers his voice is still gone. "Snoopy?" He whispers close to his ear, fanning his neck with his breath just like how he woke up earlier that morning.</p>
<p>Seungwoo stirs and groans, opening his eyes groggily. Upon seeing Seungsik, however, he immediately shoots up and smiles widely. "Good morning angel." He says happily and Seungsik blushes at the pet name.</p>
<p>"Hey sleepy head, breakfast is ready." He smiles back and softly grabs his arm to drag him to the kitchen. Seungwoo comes compliantly and lets himself be pushed into a chair at the kitchen table, where Seungsik has stalled out his side dishes.</p>
<p>He inhales deeply. "Oh that smells amazing."</p>
<p>"Let's hope it tastes amazing too," Seungik chuckles and puts the pan with rice and the bowl with eggs on the table before turning back and quickly heating the pancakes. He puts those down as well and takes a seat.</p>
<p>"Bone apple teeth." Seungwoo says through a full mouth, already having stuffed it with who knows what.</p>
<p>"Bon appetit, Snoo." He answers and digs in as well, his stomach rumbling greedily at the prospect of food. They eat in comfortable silence, content to busy themselves with the food, and soon most of it has disappeared down their bellies. Seungwoo gets up to clean it, pushing Seungsik back down when he tries to help.</p>
<p>"You made the food, it's only fair if I clean." He says stubbornly and goes to put the leftovers away and do the dishes. Seungsik stays put, knowing that he won't be of any use anyway if Seungwoo is just going to push him back to his chair everytime he tries. Instead, he stares out the window at the city that's already bustling in the late morning.</p>
<p>Seungwoo finishes his cleaning spree and joins him back at the table, folding his hands together like he's at a meeting about to say something very important. He clears his throat to make sure he has Seungsik's full attention before he starts. "So, mister Kang, sir, what would you like to do today?"</p>
<p>Seungsik giggles. "What's this? An official business meeting in pyjamas?"</p>
<p>"Yes, and a very important one." He says gravely. "We only have until however late you want to make it to do whatever it is you want to do today."</p>
<p>"What about what you want?" Seungsik asks softly, placing his hands over Seungwoo's.</p>
<p>"I want to do what you want." He says resolutely and Seungsik relents, knowing there's no way he'll get a different response out of him.</p>
<p>"Then… let's just stay here?" He asks shyly. It might sound stupid, but he doesn't want to waste any time he has with him walking around 5 feet apart because it would hurt his image if anyone ends up spreading rumours of a mysterious lover that was seen with him. "We can relax, and we don't have to hide."</p>
<p>"Sounds perfect to me." Seungwoo smiles gently. "You could use the rest. We can turn on a movie or something if you want."</p>
<p>"Definitely. Mind if I take a quick shower first?" Seungsik asks as they get up from their seats. "I'm stinky from yesterday still."</p>
<p>"Sure, go ahead. I should probably have one myself." Seungsik coughs and flushes at the implication. "I'll go after you!" He adds quickly, blushing a deep red.</p>
<p>"It's okay, you can join me, we've showered together before." Seungsik lets the words fall from his lips before he realizes and he quickly snaps them shut, but it's already too late, the words are out.</p>
<p>"You sure?" Seungwoo asks him wide-eyed. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."</p>
<p>"Take a damn shower with me." He says through his teeth and he turns to the bathroom, stomping away to hide his embarrassment. He hears Seungwoo giggle behind him as he follows and he breathes a sigh of relief. He didn't step over any boundaries, or Seungwoo wouldn't be giggling like this.</p>
<p>They quietly get undressed and Seungsik finds that it's a whole lot less awkward than he previously anticipated. He steps into the shower while Seungwoo finishes up and hisses as the cold water hits his back, forcing the last bits of drowsiness away. The water becomes warmer and he feels all his muscles lose their tension that built up during these months of constant touring and stressing. He sighs contently as Seungwoo joins him.</p>
<p>"Happy?" He softly whispers into his ear and Seungsik leans into him.</p>
<p>"Yes." He says and he means it. He hasn't for a long time but right now, right here he's happy and warm and loved. It feels good.</p>
<p>Seungwoo offers to scrub his back, which turns into a massage when he notices how stuck his muscles are still. He allows himself to completely relax and melt under the other's gentle touch. Then he returns the favour, because it's only fair and because Seungwoo's back feels just as stuck.</p>
<p>"You should really work on your posture if sitting at your desk all day gets you that stuck." Seungsik scolds him lovingly when they step out, refreshed.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes." Seungwoo just about doesn't roll his eyes at him. "Here." He tosses him a towel and some clean underwear, because of course Seungsik wouldn't have been able to bring his own and Seungwoo realized that.</p>
<p>"Thank you." He dries off quickly and gets dressed into the pjs with renewed energy. "I feel reborn."</p>
<p>"You look it too." Seungwoo says, gently touching his thumb to his cheek. "No more bags."</p>
<p>He leans into the touch and hums, content to stay like that for a while. Seungwoo leans in and presses a soft kiss to his forehead, sending warm tingles down to his toes. He looks up and catches his mouth with his own before he can fully move away, kissing him deeply. Seungwoo kisses back, pressing him against the door and he chuckles into the kiss. They break apart smiling.</p>
<p>"Movie time?" Seungwoo wiggles his eyebrows and Seungsik laughs.</p>
<p>"Movie time." He says softly. They make themselves comfortable on the couch, Seungsik snuggled into Seungwoo's chest, a blanket draped over the both of them, and they turn on some silly horror movie for both of them to laugh at, just like the old days. Only this time he's actually allowed to sneak the kisses he's always wanted to, and he's allowed to whisper soft "I love you"s against his lips.</p>
<p>They order a pizza for lunch, neither of them really feeling like cooking. The couch is surprisingly comfortable despite its looks and they really don't feel like getting up. He briefly does, to accept the food at the door, and they sit slightly apart so as to not spill anything on each other. The movie ends before they've reached the end of the pizza, both of them in hysterics about the cliché 'scary' ending.</p>
<p>"What now?" Seungwoo asks softly once they've calmed down enough. </p>
<p>Seungsik sighs. He knows they need to have a serious conversation somehow, today, and it's better to get it over with, but he doesn't know how to start. "We talk?" He asks hesitantly.</p>
<p>He sees Seungwoo swallow, but then he nods. "Yes, that would be best."</p>
<p>"I'm leaving tomorrow…" He immediately trails off, looking down.</p>
<p>"I'll follow as soon as I can." Seungwoo says resolutely. "I have no doubts. Being here hasn't made me happy, and you do, so I need to be where you are. That is, if you'll have me." He finishes, suddenly uncertain.</p>
<p>"Of course, baby, of course I'll have you." He reassures him gently. "I just want you to be sure it's what you want. I'm a musician now, so you have to know I might not be around a lot when I tour or promote. And I get tired, really tired."</p>
<p>"That's okay. It really is, Sik. I don't mind, as long as in the end, you come back to me. I can wait another 5 years, if it means I'll have you with me for another night." He says sincerely.</p>
<p>Seungsik pulls him close, too overwhelmed to talk. They hold each other like they're the only things anchoring them to the world, and he buries his head into his shoulder. He never wants to let go, so for now he doesn't. "I love you." He mumbles into his shoulder.</p>
<p>"I love you too." Seungwoo answers quietly. "Now, could I interest you in some strawberry chocolates, as a pick me up?"</p>
<p>Seungsik smiles and nods, and before he knows what's happening he's being lifted into the air bridle style. He giggles and wraps his hands securely around Seungwoo's neck to keep himself from falling as he's carried to the kitchen. Seungwoo opens the fridge carefully, still holding him firmly.</p>
<p>"Get that blue box from the top shelf." He demands and Seungsik complies automatically. He closes the fridge again and carries him back to the couch, setting him down gently.</p>
<p>"What was that about?" Seungsik inquires.</p>
<p>"I didn't want to let go of you." He says simply, flopping down next to him and carefully taking the box from him.</p>
<p>"Silly." Seungsik says fondly.</p>
<p>"Open wide." Seungwoo says as he opens the box and takes a strawberry shaped, pink chocolate out. He holds it out for him and Seungsik opens his mouth diligently. He pops the chocolate in and Seungsik closes his mouth, letting his tongue brush his fingers briefly before pulling away.</p>
<p>"Mmmm delicious." He smirks and Seungwoo giggles.</p>
<p>"What, the chocolate or my fingers?"</p>
<p>"Both." He says cheekily, licking his lips.</p>
<p>"Mind letting me have a taste?" Seungwoo asks bashfully. He nods and takes a chocolate out of the box, holding it out for him.</p>
<p>"Open wide." He says sweetly and Seungwoo complies. He carefully drops the chocolate onto his tongue, but before he can pull away he chomps down on his fingers, nibbling them gleefully.</p>
<p>"Mm you're right." He says, pulling away and leaving Seungsik flustered. "That is delicious." He chuckles brightly at Seungsik's baffled expression. Then, as if nothing happened he turns back towards the tv. "Wanna play some games? We can see if you can still beat me in mario kart."</p>
<p>"Bet!" Seungsik bounches up enthusiastically.</p>
<p>Seungwoo sets up his Switch, connecting it to the tv, and hands him a joystick. "Let's see it, mister Kang."</p>
<p>"Bring it on, Han."</p>
<p>They spend the rest of the afternoon gaming. Seungsik wins, every time, but he's not entirely sure if Seungwoo isn't letting him win at least once or twice. He tries to play worse than usual, just to see, but he still ends up winning. He smiles to himself. It's so typically Seungwoo, to want to make him happy, no matter what.</p>
<p>"Beat you again! You have to get better at dodging bananas!" He squeals happily and he sees Seungwoo light up from the corner of his eye. He supposes it's fine to win even if it's not fairly, if he gets to see him smile like that.</p>
<p>"Ahhhh I give up." Seungwoo drapes himself over the armrest dramatically. "You're too good."</p>
<p>Seungsik giggles happily and pokes his belly. "Banana man. Are you sad you still suck?"</p>
<p>He pouts as he heaves himself back up. "What if I am?"</p>
<p>"I'll have to make it better." He says softly before leaning in and kissing his pouty lips briefly. "There, all better now?"</p>
<p>Seungwoo shakes his head and pulls him down for a kiss that lasts and lasts, tender and sweet at first, but then deeper and more desperate. Even though their goodbye will be temporary, the despair of it rings out in the way they grab at each other, trying to get even closer, though they are already as close as physically possible.</p>
<p>They only part the kiss to breathe, until finally Seungwoo's stomach rumbles loudly amongst the gasps. Seungsik chuckles against his lips and sits up, breaking the kiss. "Someone's hungry?"</p>
<p>"Mmm more kisses." Seungwoo whines cutely and Seungsik nearly gets whiplash from the sudden switch. Seungwoo takes advantage of his momentarily stunned state by quickly pressing another kiss to his lips before jumping up. "Let me make you something this time."</p>
<p>"You cook?" He answers sceptically.</p>
<p>"I have lived on my own for several years now did you really think I lived off of delivery only?" He sounds almost insulted, if not for the smirk audible in his voice even as his back is turned. He walks into the kitchen and starts pulling out pots and pans, trying to decide which to use.</p>
<p>"No, I expected premade meals from the convenience store." Seungsik giggles, watching him curiously from the couch.</p>
<p>Seungwoo scoffs and turns to him, a pan brandished as a weapon in his hand. "That would be far too expensive and also unhealthy. I only eat instant ramen."</p>
<p>He laughs loudly at that. "You're gonna make me instant ramen then?"</p>
<p>"No!" He says impatiently. "I can cook! I occasionally eat instant ramen, when I'm tired."</p>
<p>"All right, all right. What are you making, master chef?" He asks, unable to hide his curiosity.</p>
<p>"Mean men don't get to know the menu." He pouts and he turns to the fridge, pulling out more stuff. Seungsik can't see what, so he gives up and leans back.</p>
<p>"I will find out eventually." He threatens, with no intent to actually move and find out.</p>
<p>Seungwoo giggles and looks over. "You think so? You look like you're about to pass out."</p>
<p>Seungsik yawns widely at that and closes his eyes to slits, trying to deceive him into letting down his guard.</p>
<p>"Enjoy your nap, you deserve it." Seungwoo says softly before turning to fully focus on his cooking.</p>
<p>Once he's fully submerged in whatever he's making that smells so mouthwatering, Seungsik quietly gets up and sneaks into the kitchen. He tiptoes around the counter and peaks over the other's shoulder. "Egg fried rice?" He says while wrapping his arms around his waist.</p>
<p>Seungwoo startles and nearly drops the spoon he's holding. "Oh! Hi." He chuckles and gently puts a hand over Seungsik's as he continues stirring his rice. "Well done, detective. It's almost done."</p>
<p>Seungsik inhales deeply and then sighs into the back of his shoulder. "Smells good." He feels a slight shiver run through the back he's leaning against.</p>
<p>"You’re driving me crazy." Seungwoo says in a low voice. "It's very dangerous, so close to a fire."</p>
<p>Seungsik chuckles. "Sorry baby." He says, but he briefly sinks his teeth into the fabric before unwrapping his hands and darting back to the couch, giggling gleefully.</p>
<p>"Ohhh you would be in so much trouble if I didn't have to stir this." Seungwoo says through gritted teeth, not a hint of malice to his voice. No, the chill Seungsik feels at his words isn't from fear, it’s something completely different.</p>
<p>"Oh yeah? What would you do?" He asks boldly, voice only shaking slightly. Right then, however, his stomach betrays him and he hunches over, embarrassed.</p>
<p>Seungwoo walks up with some plates and coasters, the smile on his face a contrast to the look in his eyes. "I'll let you know after you eat."</p>
<p>Seungsik gulps. "Okay." He manages to squeak out before ladling a far too big portion of rice onto his plate. His ears and cheeks burn as he digs in, eating far too fast.</p>
<p>"Slow down, you'll choke." Seungwoo says gently and he takes the spoon from his hand. He shakes off part of the far too big scoop and then lifts it to his mouth. Seungsik lets him feed him like that for a bit, before taking the spoon back.</p>
<p>"You should eat too." He says, nodding towards his almost full plate.</p>
<p>"Impatient?" Seungwoo smirks before picking up his own spoon. Seungsik almost chokes and coughs hysterically. Seungwoo laughs and hands him a glass of water after softly patting his back.</p>
<p>"Shut up." His cheeks are impossibly red and he feels like a lobster.</p>
<p>They both return to their plates, Seungsik too nervous to hold his spoon still while Seungwoo smirks to himself everytime he catches him almost dropping his food again or spilling water down the front of his pyjamas. He eats leisurely, clearly enjoying making him suffer, but eventually both of them are done and Seungsik hurriedly jumps up to clean up the plates.</p>
<p>He sets them down in the sink, unsure of whether or not he should get the dishes going or return to the couch, but then he feels a pair of hands wrap firmly around his arms, spinning him around to face Seungwoo, his eyes dark and hooded. Seungsik’s breath catches in his throat as he’s pushed into the counter.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Seungwoo asks, his voice still gentle, for now.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Seungsik nods breathlessly before his lips are captured in a heated kiss.</p>
<p>Somehow they made it to the bedroom, though Seungsik can’t remember how. All he knows is that he’s tucked safely into blankets with far too little clothes on his body when he opens his eyes again. Next to him, Seungwoo is sitting against the headboard, busy on his phone.</p>
<p>“Hey.” He smiles when he notices Seungsik is awake. “Had a nice nap?”</p>
<p>Seungsik blushes and scrambles for his phone, hoping he didn’t sleep the entire evening away. “What time is it?”</p>
<p>“Easy, it’s only 8. You were out for about 20 minutes.” Seungwoo gently brushes aside a stroke of hair. “You can rest more, if you need to.”</p>
<p>He shakes his head resolutely. “I’m fine, great really.” He gingerly stretches his body and winches. “Amazing.”</p>
<p>“Oops, sorry.” Seungwoo chuckles and presses a kiss to his temple. “Do you want to stay? Can you? I mean, your stuff…”</p>
<p>“It’s fine, I can pick it up when I check out in the morning.” He says softly, glad he’s allowed to stay another night. He moves to wrap his hands around Seungwoo and groans at the pain.</p>
<p>“Careful. What if you just lay there, and then I go get my laptop and we turn on another crappy movie to laugh at?” Seungsik nods enthusiastically and Seungwoo darts out to go get it. He’s back before he can miss his warmth, settled next to him with his arm draped over his shoulders.</p>
<p>They watch some sappy romantic comedies that have them doubling over with laughter half the time until finally they can no longer keep their eyes open. It’s time to sleep, but neither of them are really willing to waste the little time they have left together unconscious.</p>
<p>“Soon, I promise. I already sent in the request.” Seungwoo whispers against his hair as he snuggles into him.</p>
<p>“When did you do that?” Seungsik asks surprised. They never lost sight of each other that day, except when… He blushes and hides his face. “Never mind.”</p>
<p>Seungwoo chuckles and squeezes him gently. “Sleep well. I love you.”</p>
<p>Seungsik mumbles a half formed sentence back that sounds something like “Sleeve you woo” as he drifts off.</p>
<p>The morning comes too soon, and they have to say their goodbyes, but, as Seungwoo reassures him for the upteenth time, it won’t be for long. They hug and kiss and cling to each other until they hear a car outside beep impatiently. Seungwoo walks him to the mini-van, where an antsy Hanse sits behind the steering wheel. He quickly squeezes his hand one last time before climbing into the passenger seat. Seungwoo closes the door behind him and they drive off, an odd serenity taking the place of the sorrow he has felt so long.</p>
<p>Before he knows it he’s in the plane on the way home, hunched over his notebook. The words on the paper for once aren’t sad, they speak of warm summer nights spent close to the one you love, and unlike all the other times he tried to write something happier, he feels it’s right. He’s going to be alone again for a while, but Seungwoo will come, he knows it, and right now everything might not be okay, but they will be.</p>
<p>And several months later, when Seungwoo sits in his desk chair listening to the guided version of Seungsik's new song, a look of deep concentration on his face, it is.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading!! leave a comment or a kudos if you like ^^ find me on twt @yutabugi</p></blockquote></div></div>
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